I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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