if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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