youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
