you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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