i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
