I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I think im going to throw up on grandma
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
