apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
