you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You may now shotgun with the bride
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
