I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
