People with herpes should wear stickers.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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