dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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