you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he thought i was a dude.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I can't turn off my feet"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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