I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
