Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
