my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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