i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
