I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
