You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
