It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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