I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
being pregnant is like rehab
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
