A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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