I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
