who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
