Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize