Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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