Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize