We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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