Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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