I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
