It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
