im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
