so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
