I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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