I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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