Banned from zoo.
Again?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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