he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
