she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
