i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
