when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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