dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Boobs speak an international language.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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