I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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