mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
