I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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