Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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