we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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