And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
