You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
