Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
