I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize