dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
