areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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