I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's shark week go big or go home
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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