I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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