I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
