I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Everyone says I win the strip club
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Did you pee in the oven last night??
A bitchslap is in order.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
