Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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