i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
