my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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