dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
