I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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