we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
