I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
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