On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
