we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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