my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize