So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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