so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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