im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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