I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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