I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
