Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
