The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I want to be your penis for a week.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Randomize
