I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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